Some days just should be labeled with a Word of the Day. Today’s would be return. Everytime I turn around I found myself using it.
Returned from another Charlotte trek late last night and ended up starting the day later than I thought I would have.
Also one of the things that I deal with from time to time is nightmares. The ambien cuts them down big time, but occassionally I still have one or two slip in. Since adding Baxter to my life several years ago there are nights where I find myself being awoken from the terror to a lil black worried face staring at me & snuggling close. Doubt this qualifies him as a service dog, but it certainly earns his keep in my eyes. Last night as I was up late catching up on emails and missed episodes of the Daily Show, I got to return the favor. Started out as the typical Baxter dozing off and snoring away. After a while the snores switched into a different mode. Then I got to see something I had never seen him do before – he stretched out & up and HOWLED. Like a wolf at a full moon…. while STILL asleep. The first couple of times I just watched in awe. He’s a pug & far from wolf-like. Guess in his mind last night he was the beast within.
Since it just didn’t seem right, I snuggled up & started calling him. He didn’t react at first but soon slowly came around & looked at me. Can’t help but wonder if I had returned the favor. Thankfully he & I both got to sleep not long after.
School is starting back up Monday & I’m starting to feel nervous again about being back in classes – full time. Summer session was great, but this is going to be 5 classes to keep up with instead of just the two I had to focus on then. Got the book this afternoon. All but one that is out of stock. May have to order it online after all. All I can say it how thankful I am for that grant! These things are expensive. But I am ready to go back…. I think.
Also got the news that my cousin has safely returned from his latest deployment! Proud of him, but grateful for him to be back and about to be able to enjoy sometime doing whatever he chooses without the threats around every corner. Chatting with another friend over there makes it all too real. I know some areas are worse than others as far as activity, but it feels good knowing he is back. Thankfully soon the friend will be too.
I’m of the opinion that sometimes the best thing to heal the fear is to jump back in and in that line of thought, am open to dating. No real desire to yet, but figure its going to take a while to find someone I click with again. Hopefully its the last time I have to activate a dating profile but why not? Well today is why not. Those guys are crazy. Plenty of Freaks is more like it. Not going to get into specifics but lets just say there are two more profiles on my blocked list. The things people will say on there! I may be the odd one out but for me, its not first come gets the job. I want something real. Someone I can communicate with and respect while having a blast and dealing with life side by side. Seems to search for the diamond in the ball pit means risking sticking my hand in half eaten candy or vomit. Still I have found myself this far, why not just keep falling down the rabbit hole to see what is on the otherside. Just not going to get any hopes up anytime soon.
Just taking each moment as it comes. Had to fathom that at the begining of a month I had thought I had it all together and was sharing life with someone wonderful. Now I see that it wasn’t so great & although we both have our awesome points, together it doesn’t make extreme awesomeness. Hoping that apart we both can get back to living life happily ever after in our own ways. Just still makes me wonder how people do it. Is it really just being dedicated to each other no matter what or does some have it easier than others. I know to become a we from a he & a me there has to be compromise & change, but I have to think that some combinations of compromises are easier for each than others. Hoping so anyway. I don’t think anyone is unworthy of love (ok maybe those people who hurt kids or disown dogs, cats & birds… ). There has to be someone out there for each of us. Just not sure we always know what we should be keeping out eyes open for.
So for now, I am going to let the ambien take me away. Close the eyes and snuggle up with Baxter. Maybe we both can be nightmare free tonight.