2017 hasn’t been my best year.
Still not clear on what I am doing with my life. Still the adult that never married, never had kids & doesn’t really have any real retirement savings to speak of. Couple of degrees, numerous additional classes anytime I could take one & yet there really isn’t a dream career that my heart is set on. My resume spans a wide range and is always growing. I like making people happy, doing good & being in a positive environment. So far that hasn’t added up to employment. There is a lot I thought I was supposed to do in life that I just didn’t get around to doing.
What I have discovered is that it is completely okay not to be “on the path” that everyone else is. “Doing you” sounds cliche but it truly is a freedom unlike any other. With it comes some serious sacrifices and soul searching. There is no step by step guide to becoming yourself. You will stumble. You will get hurt. You will see the warning signs telling you to turn around or else.
Just keep going.
I am grateful for the moments I have trusted myself and followed my heart. Made some wonderful memories and learned a few valuable lessons. Still at the moment I need a little bit of something different.
One of my most popular post on this blog is one where I discussed depression and the choice one makes when they feel like nothing is ever going to go right. My rule is give every big decision 3 days. If for one second, you think it is a bad idea you have to start over, but if it seems like a good idea for 3 solid straight days.. GO FOR IT. It has saved my life more than once.
Recently a lot has been adding up for me resulting in me just not being happy. This past 6 months nothing terribly drastic has occurred but it just didn’t feel good. Little road blocks everywhere. I find when I feel like this, it is life’s way of saying “You are going the wrong way.” even when everyone else says you are. I brushed it off as wanting too much and kept the same pace & route. Didn’t work out like I was before, eat like crap which lead to adding some of the weight I had lost back on. This of course turned into not feeling good about myself & being depressed and just not even caring about any of it. I knew I needed to but I just didn’t.
Then several detours demanded attention.
So I stopped and considered a couple of options, most of which just left me feeling more hopeless and lost until I dreamed a bit. At first it was just an over the top dream then I started to ask why I felt that way. Life is what you make it so why not follow whatever dream that makes you feel giddy and alive? I began to consider it more and imagine a plan but there were a lot of things that would need to change to get there.
Then a few of those things changed without me doing anything but putting the idea out there. I shared with my sister & a close friend but no one else. Just a crazy dream, why would I? For example wondering how it would impact having a relationship that came with a 4 year old made me hesitant, but I realized this dream felt more real. Then out of the blue that relationship ended. It is as if the roadblocks are being moved out of my way.
It has been 3 days and I can’t remember feeling thing excited and happy in a long time. I feel alive again. Bit scared and overwhelmed at the plans but in my heart I know it is time to try this.
I promise to share more as I go, but had to document this officially.
THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
& I know people will think it is one of the riskiest things I have done and just know I will fail, but I know I won’t and that is all that matters to me right now.
Oh also I promise it will not be going back to school. As much as I love learning, school is no longer in session unless I am teaching the classes. 😉
“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” Harriet Tubman